“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
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Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁