I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Stop.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
do horses think humans are hats
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Noah
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?