*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
According to math, I’m broke
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”