@MrsJekyllsHyde

I wasn’t mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I’m mad.

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@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

@colinmochrie

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

@Cpin42

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

@BatBatshitcrazy

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

@lloydrang

The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.

@Book_Krazy

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

@JPLFR80

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

@JaimeBanister

At what age is it acceptable to completely let yourself go physically? Please say 44

@Cnelson019Carol

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

@trumpetcake

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.