I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Venn
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about