I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
happy valentine’s day to me
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
this will hang in the louvre one day
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.