@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

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@BackrowSeats

This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.

@cynicanoldicus

The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.

@c12h22o11balls

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

@Cpin42

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

@TheBoydP

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

@3sunzzz

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

@hunz74

Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.

@DistractedMomma

Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.

@benicus_rex

PBS EXEC: We need a new show and we need it now.

JIM HENSON: Okay, so…there’s this yellow, depressed ostrich whose best friend is a woolly mammoth. They live on the same street as a, um…a vampire and a green maniac who sleeps in a trash can.

PBS EXEC: First of all, YES!