I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

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This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.


The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.


Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon


[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss


[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?


*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*


Any human mind can learn complicated math, given the right incentives. Just look at the bowling community.


Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can’t leave messages now. That’s the kind of genius I am.


My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He’s Hulk Hogan, I’m The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.


PBS EXEC: We need a new show and we need it now.

JIM HENSON: Okay, so…there’s this yellow, depressed ostrich whose best friend is a woolly mammoth. They live on the same street as a, um…a vampire and a green maniac who sleeps in a trash can.

PBS EXEC: First of all, YES!