Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.