I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

You Might Also Like


Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.


MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.


Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.


Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.


[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*


*horse throws the 1st punch*


Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance