@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

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@AverageCorners

11: Did it rain last night?

Me: No.

11: But it’s so wet!

Me: That’s what she said.

11: What?

Me: What?

@bingowings14

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

@SteveDutzy

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

@BrotiGupta

my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”

@DrakeGatsby

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

@robdelaney

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

@chrissyteigen

“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said

@skittle624

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?