@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

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@CelebrityChez

Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.

@QwertyJones3

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

@AndyAsAdjective

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

@AnniemuMary

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

@jake_likes_naps

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

@CaptainJerkwad

Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance