I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
You Might Also Like
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Perfect
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
favorite tropes as memes
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Raisins are grape jerky.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends