@Thedudish: I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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@RandomManik: Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks, "Why would anyone want to kill their wife?"
@UncleDuke1969: I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
@stephenjmolloy: HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."
@iwearaonesie: me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an "I Beat Cancer" shirt*