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@iGreenMonk: I watch birds sometimes and wonder, "If I could fly, whose car would I crap on?"
@GABBYdaAngSaya: 911: What's your emergency, sir?
Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being-
911: Please don't do this, sir
911: *hangs up*
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
@OutOfLeftField_: If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn't for you.
@heatherlou_: "That looks shiny and clean, I'm gonna touch it a lot."
@NicestHippo: [meeting a couple at dog park]
GF: He's usually not like this
[pulls me aside]
GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people