coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Who needs an Air Fryer?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.