I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras