@VexingVixxen

I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.

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@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

@novicefather

Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”

@daemonic3

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

@Sassafrantz

[first date]
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.

@PellMull

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

@just1fool

Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.

@carlyken

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

@daemonic3

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

@HeidiStevens13

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.