Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I watch murder shows instead of romantic comedies because I prefer to watch shows about things that actually have the possibility of happening for me.
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Past employers have described me as “selfish, egotistic, condescending, the physical manifestation of capitalism, and a true sweetheart.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Whoever called it getting drunk and not grunk detting just didn’t get it.
Ma’am, step through again
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.