Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
You Might Also Like
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
sistine chapel
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now