I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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Life hack
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”