Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings