The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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…żyje?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from