People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
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Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
#DesignFail
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.