I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
You Might Also Like
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this