You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.
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Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[1st day as undercover cop]
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.