@TheMichaelRock
You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
@BrownDogBlanket
I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.
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@TheMichaelRock
@matt___nelson
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
@DanKCharnley
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
@TravLeBlanc
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
@corietjohnson
eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to
@brianbowman73
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
@TweetPotato314
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
@Better_Clever
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
@JohnLyonTweets
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
@truegritrumble
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.