@BrownDogBlanket

I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.

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@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

@matt___nelson

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

@DanKCharnley

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

@brianbowman73

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

@Better_Clever

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

@JohnLyonTweets

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

@truegritrumble

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.