I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
termite twitter scares me
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable