I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
lol
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.