I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Human are so complicated
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
life finds a way
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!