I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

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Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.


ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.


Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list


I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.


Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.


me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz



me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!



DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen


dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor


Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late