I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
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guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.