@CroweJam: I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.
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@archerenemy: OK, so you caught me bangin' the peanut butter jar... Don't make it weird...
@BonaFideIntent: Me: I HAD A VISION! I was a GARDEN GNOME & I was ridding a FLAMINGO & the FAIRIES sprinkled cocaine on me & I FLIED!! My Therapist: .....
@UncleDuke1969: To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine... Somebody has to say it. GRAPE JOKES AREN'T FUNNY.
@Rollinintheseat: I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
@drinksmcgee: I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.
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