@CroweJam: I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.
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@UncleDuke1969: When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
@trumpetcake: Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get REALLY chatty. C: You're free to go.
@ColorMeScradd: Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs? Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs? Me: No, I said the right thing...