I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Home #decor warning.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know