@CroweJam: I wear a cape when I'm driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I'm going somewhere to fight crime.
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@HughGoesThere: Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure. Me: No. This is my family now. ZK: They don't actually eat marbles. Me: I'm coming out.
@JuiceTooWavie: Do y’all think bugs are born knowing they can walk up walls or do they just accidentally do it one day and go "yoooooooo"
@JWilsonGA: Wife: I'm making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want? Me: Bacon. Wife: And? Me: *blank stare* Wife: AND? Me: A napkin?
@obviousplant_: Are you dating a bunch of bees?
@FredTaming: [dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn't get into heaven
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