@kumailn
The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars
@CroweJam
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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@kumailn
@catstronomical
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
@TheCatWhisprer
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
@OBiiieeee
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
@MarfSalvador
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
@TuSoonShakur
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
@bumlaser
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
@Home_Halfway
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
@LeeMifsud
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
@rebrafsim
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?