@CroweJam

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

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@bylinetd

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

@jonnysun

“911 wats ur emergency”
hi– huh? um– so, uh– ah. oh geez. well im only just now realizimg that the girl at the bar gave me a fake number

@PostCultRev

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

@topaz006

I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.

@TheHyyyype

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

@RachelMComedy

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

@x_freckles_o

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

@BigBagOfScum

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”