I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.