I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

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Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy


When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time


[when we’re a quarter of the way there]


Me: not yet Bon Jovi


Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.


Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.


I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.


wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?


H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?


flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me


Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.