I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I am yelling
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”