I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Finally a use for spoilers…
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.