i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
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running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
i wish all
whales
a very
big
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel