When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶