I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn

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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.


“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]


Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.


The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.


So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?


The GYM is my church. I haven’t gone in years but I still give them money.


You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”


45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…


[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*