@DonQuickoats

I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn

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@aneesa_p

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

@Fred_Delicious

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

@Drytown1

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

@Robert_Beau

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

@sfreeze6

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

@connorness

The GYM is my church. I haven’t gone in years but I still give them money.

@GreenishDuck

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

@Classy_Cassy89

45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…

@VibesBummer

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*