“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’m having an out of money experience.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u