I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.