I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

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Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??


[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.


Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”.

Up next we have “Oh jeeze, where did it go?!”


”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.


DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.


Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.


“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*


“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today


I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.


Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered