@ReelQuinn

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

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@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

@awescar

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

@OMGShenanigans

Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”.

Up next we have “Oh jeeze, where did it go?!”

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

@FrazzleMyGimp

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

@Sassafrantz

Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy’s phone. All I did was edit his mom’s contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.

@stephenjmolloy

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

@SvnSxty

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

@mack44_d

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

@thefishpants

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered