I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
You Might Also Like
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.