Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

fr

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

NASA has no chill

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.