I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.