Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.