When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
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[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Me: pistol; three letters
Me: disgust; three letters
Me: charity; four letters
Me: female sheep; three letters
Me: Pixar movie; two letters