@Wuttercuerk

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

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@AlisonAgosti

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

@LaziestCanine

[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@kimtopher22

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

@TheMichaelRock

We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.

@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

@NewDadNotes

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up