stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’ve been drinking.
When I snag the last meatball.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches