Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*Making a cake*
Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?
Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.
11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.