@josh___grant

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

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@buhsbaby_baby

Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.

@BasicLyes

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

@onion_an

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

@Mechaniz10

*Making a cake*

Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?

Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.

11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.

@JohnMayer

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

@highxpectation2

No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

@TheToddWilliams

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

@emdoyl

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

@TheTweetOfGod

Yes, other people are stupid. But to everyone but you, you are one of those other people.

@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.