I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
🌱🌱🌱
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?