@josh___grant: I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named "Spider."
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@MelvinofYork: If my boss suddenly revealed that he'd been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
@economybacon: Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting! Doug: um, I don't know Kung f-- Carl: except for Doug from accounting
@ActualHuman01: [Job interview] Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit