Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust
Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Man: hey you.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away
M: ugh. i hate my name.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
me: who’s ur favorite actor
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*