I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one