@retniw_nuf

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

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@jdforshort

Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust

Now I’m dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble

@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@gojarbe

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@Rollmaninoz

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

@crylosec

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

@DanMentos

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.