I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?