@ericsshadow

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

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@ThugRaccoons

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

@UnFitz

“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?

There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”

But whatever.

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@girl_a_whirl

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

@kelseydarragh

brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
spirit: GYM!!!!!!!!!!

me: I’m gunna go get pasta

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

@envydatropic

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

@MizzusT

First year married: I want to spend every moment with you

All other years: maybe you could move into your own house

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@Beatonm5

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
???