I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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😏😏😏
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
In banana years, I am bread.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.