You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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“Sorry” seems to be the hardest word?
There’s “Worcestershire,” “anemone” & “otorhinolaryngologist.”
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
*yelling from the back row
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
brain: go to gym
body: please, go to gym
me: I’m gunna go get pasta
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
First year married: I want to spend every moment with you
All other years: maybe you could move into your own house
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make