@ericsshadow

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

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@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@MattShiney

“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers

@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

@TheToddWilliams

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

@jdforshort

If sexual frustration could be transferred into a usable energy source, I would be sitting on a gold mine

@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

@fookmusic

Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.

@AlisonChrista

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!