I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!