Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .