@salmarch79

I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

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@dadanddisorderl

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

@JohnLyonTweets

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

@fro_vo

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

@Cpin42

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

@bourgeoisalien

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

@FadeAway2

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .