@salmarch79

I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

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@JBelk78

You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.

@BeCoco77

I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”

@BunAndLeggings

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@markydoodoo

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

@peachesanscream

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

@JohnLyonTweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

@HenpeckedHal

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.