#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
You Might Also Like
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
that wasn’t the question
I feel it
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.