next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪