I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”