I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
You Might Also Like
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
When I snag the last meatball.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
They’re on their honeymoon
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.