I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.