I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.


God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.


If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.


A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.


Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.


Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin


The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.


the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO