@3_livi

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

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@GorillaNipples1

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

@reallifemommy3

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

@Tmoney68

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

@sarcasticmommy4

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

@furbyburglar

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

@rachellinfox

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

@suecorvette

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

@CM2BTTHD

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

@BunAndLeggings

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

@I_am_carbs

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip