I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.