I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S