I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
You Might Also Like
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart