I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.


Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…


I once ate a Milk-bone as a kid and was happy I didn’t die so I celebrated by eating five more.


Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. “Attempt 7 of 25”.


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….


Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.


Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.


Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥


we’re going to have a president named jeb. president jeb.