I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
i- i did not expect this
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
the best thing i’ve ever made
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.